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October 2009

unfaithful (2)

He did like her. He did have special feeling for her. That’s why she left.

I went gaga. My mind couldn’t believe what she had said. I was totally shocked. Although my friend told me so I know I wasn’t crazy as I thought before, that I didn’t overreactedly, at that moment I really hoped that I was wrong.

I wished he was right, that I was too much thinking, too much assuming. His wife didn’t hate me at all.

But my friend told me firmly, “He liked her.”

My heart shattered. I struggled for days to not come to him and rebuked him for lying to me. He manipulated me.

As I prayed and prayed, I found peace when I determined not to rebuke him, not to mention anything about her to him and keep silent.

Our relationship has been healed ever since. Still in progress, but I enjoyed it. I choose not to find out whether he still keep in touch with her.

But recently, some particular things happened. What his wife told me, her (that woman) IM to him… They all told me same thing: he still have the flame.

And I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t know how to trust him anymore….

God.. unfaithfulness hurts so much… You know better right? How to overcome it? Tell me…

unfaithful

I’ve been surrounded by several unfaithful men in my life.

My grandpa had two wives. Another grandpa cheated with a younger woman, but didn’t evolve the relationship. I have some uncles even aunt who cheated their spouses. And my own dad did the same.

Actually I faced those stuff quite calmly. I didn’t get panicky or stressed out or something. But as I get to realize now, my heart knows better.

Once, I went into some kind of medical journey with a friend. She just broke up from her boyfriend, who she didn’t really love at all. There, we met a quite charming and sympathetic man. He was some years older, and he was our guide. Somehow, I started to feel uneasy whenever we got together. I sensed something not right between them. I didn’t want to go into details, the journey had tortured me enough. I had conflict with my friend because of that, but thankfully we resolved it. I just felt so tired that moment that I “had to” act as their babysitter, watched them, and defended them when some people started to say something bad about them.

Then it happened again, some years later. This man, I trusted him a lot, I admired him oh so much. We were very close. Until she came into our lives, and changed everything, up to now.

At first, I didn’t want to think about that at all. I mean, he’s already married, has a wonderful wife and beautiful kids. She is lots younger, almost 10 years. And he said to me that he only wanted to get to know her, as he planned to have her engaged in our activities more.

Again, my eyes saw, my heart felt, my ears heard. I started to sense something not right between them (gosh, dejavu it is). They could talk and talk and God knew what else in a closed room for hours. She then got special privilege, went home with him, and everytime he saw me, he would avoid me and went on with her.

Those were some of craziest moments in my life. I felt sooo undignified and stressed out. In my despair, I said bad things, acted so selfishly, and I got more and more desperate every day.

Then he let me know, that his wife thought that I like him, that his wife then checked his cells, always monitored his activities. Smoothly, he blamed me. Very subtle, but I could feel it. And so I decided to back off from his life. I even thought to end my life back then, I just couldn’t stand his wife’s thinking about me. I felt so wicked.

Time flew. She, that woman, suddenly decided to leave this town. Quite a relief. Though I knew that he still keep in touch with her. But I have decided to trust him. Until recently, just few months ago, a dear friend told me the truth.

[to be continued…]

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